I’ve been dreading this date.
December 29th, 2017.
It’s been exactly one year since our whole world was turned upside down and stopped. It’s been one year since I watched a team of doctors enter our hospital room with that look and know it isn’t good news they are bringing. One year since my youngest son was so sick that all he wanted to do was cuddle and sleep.
One year ago, I was terrified. Confused. Angry. Depressed. Any emotion you can name, I’ve surely been through them all.
It’s been one year since I was told that my child has cancer.
It’s been one year, and yet, I’m sitting here reliving everything: every emotion, every fear, every thought all over again, as if it just happened yesterday.
Jacob and I discussed this the other day. We both knew that it would hit me harder than it would him. Not to say that he hasn’t had his fair share of these emotions. Rather, I feel emotions so much deeper than anyone else I know. Perhaps it’s because I’m a writer, and I work with emotions daily, I’ve learned to pay attention to the details, to analyze thoughts and circumstances. I watch as the story unfolds right in front of me.
Jacob is a whole picture kind of guy. He can see the whole picture much faster than I could ever see. He can acknowledge all the memories that this day brings and think of the big picture instead. He looks at it as a year of kicking cancer, and how far Gabe has come. I can see that too, and I focus on it every time I start to get sad. But dates seem to bring everything rushing back to my mind. I do the same with good things too, like birthdays and our anniversary. I love to celebrate those. He’s looking at the big picture, and I’m watching the story unfold.
The next few days are going to be hard on me as I sort through these emotions. I may not be a quick to respond to social media like I usually do, but I will. If you see me out and my eyes are red and puffy, you know why. In the meantime, I’m going to make myself look at the big picture and remember a few things:
- Gabe is in remission!
- God is good.
- Gabe has done extremely well with treatments.
- Good things are happening too-my first novel is coming out next year!
- We have only 82 weeks left of treatment!
Hugs,
Erin
So thankful for all those things… so thankful. But what I notice the most??? How much stronger you are … what a wonderful mother you are … and the example you are giving to Daniel, Bella, and Gabe. That nothing is too big for God.
I love you. And so glad for where you guys have come!! Love you!
I know it was hard for you to write this story! Your faith is strong! Praise God for the big picture items! I love you! Aunt Linda